SELF

Was a really good day today - I had a fun time - which is strange considering i woke up in the most ungodly mood..............I think the trick is to not think of myself or my mood and then i can react to what's happening right now instead of what's happening in my head.................does that make sense?

spent some time thinking of S, ............hmmm thinking of how i can help him, if i should help him, if I could even help him, if he wanted my help...............

Sat and listened to some jazz and my first thought was oh S would love this place, i must bring him here.................which really is very annoying as a thought becuase i most certainly must not & will not bring him anywhere ............this led to me thinking how strange i have NEVER been on a real date with a guy who wanted to be out with me , how very strange & how much have i missed out on?

this led to thoughts of how my self image has deteriorated over the last 7 years and more especially the last 4 years even to a stage where up until about 2 months ago i honestly believed that i was not worthy of anyone’s love, that it would be impossible for another human being to love me - to choose to be with me .......................and then this led to a good 10 minutes of me promising myself that i am most definitely lovable and worthy (the power of self belief)

I'm not sure where this low image came from - it's kind of ironic as outwardly i have led a very full life, I have a very successful career in a male dominated environment and in that aspect i have absolutely NO doubt of my abilities in that area of my life/role, yet when it comes to romance & love i am pitiful.................or rather i have been since S.
I vow to not be that way any longer................i can't go on like that what kind of a role model would that make me?

god i'm tired