It's been a while

I'm feeling a bit low /yet I'm surrounded by this beauty
I feel mean a petty for indulging my bad moods and negativity
but i am helpless to escape it
My onlyl light my only hope is that tomorrow the sun will come out again -
I hate the night

I lie in bed staring at the fan trying not to blink
tomorrow the sun will be out and i will not be feeling like this

I crave something- I crave it so bad it is like this entity sitting with me, lying in bed with me, eating this fruit..........

Ode to Ray

Just got back from a Ray LaMontagne concert ............oh the man can sing! boy oh boy can he sing What a set of pipes on him!............soooo tempted to jump on stage & dry hump his leg or just lick his face..........but i think i would have been kicked out so i didn't .....oh dear

yes well he is really lovely & talented

Why have you been to hell & back? why did she walk away from you? why does the hurt fuel the fire inside you ? why are you empty? why can't you feel the Gin? why do you dwell on your disasters? and for gods sake why do you drink sooo much???and please please please when are you gonna give it to me till i can't say no??? WHEN?!................ oh Ray you break my heart but in a way I hope your life continues to be a miserable & hard one so you can produce more of this excellent stuff...

I started listening to Ray on my travels to be reminded of the people I am closest to while I was away and the last 6 weeks all I've heard is Ray and it's funny because he's been with me throughout my travels and now when I listen to you (you as in Ray)- all I remember is my trip and the places I visited and how I was feeling then & there..........

So I wanna be a "Ray" groupie, a biker chick and a Burlesque performer...............great aspirations to have ..................better get cracking

SELF

Was a really good day today - I had a fun time - which is strange considering i woke up in the most ungodly mood..............I think the trick is to not think of myself or my mood and then i can react to what's happening right now instead of what's happening in my head.................does that make sense?

spent some time thinking of S, ............hmmm thinking of how i can help him, if i should help him, if I could even help him, if he wanted my help...............

Sat and listened to some jazz and my first thought was oh S would love this place, i must bring him here.................which really is very annoying as a thought becuase i most certainly must not & will not bring him anywhere ............this led to me thinking how strange i have NEVER been on a real date with a guy who wanted to be out with me , how very strange & how much have i missed out on?

this led to thoughts of how my self image has deteriorated over the last 7 years and more especially the last 4 years even to a stage where up until about 2 months ago i honestly believed that i was not worthy of anyone’s love, that it would be impossible for another human being to love me - to choose to be with me .......................and then this led to a good 10 minutes of me promising myself that i am most definitely lovable and worthy (the power of self belief)

I'm not sure where this low image came from - it's kind of ironic as outwardly i have led a very full life, I have a very successful career in a male dominated environment and in that aspect i have absolutely NO doubt of my abilities in that area of my life/role, yet when it comes to romance & love i am pitiful.................or rather i have been since S.
I vow to not be that way any longer................i can't go on like that what kind of a role model would that make me?

god i'm tired

just stuff

it's amazing what age will teach you.......at the tender age of 34 i am no longer afraid of dentist (well i still don't like them but will go gladly to get a problem looked at) My dentist taught me what the trick is to dealing with the fear, pay attention what i'm about to tell you is important it took me 33 years to learn..................keep your eyes open at all times. Trust me try it next time, don't scrunch up your face & close your eyes, just breath through your nose and keep your eyes open.

aghhhhh............why do unavailable men feel the need to text me or call me in the middle of the night when they're drunk? why is that ok? I mean Hello for god's sake you're involved with some one else just cause i talk to you and we have a laugh does not mean you get to call me up in the middle of the night and f*ck with my head! My life so does not need that right now.

I am NOT looking for that in my life, I'm looking for sooo much more than you can ever be so just don't mess up our friendship any more, ok??
Next time i see you i'm gonna talk to you about this and pull you up on it ..................god that's going to be a fun conversation! I can't wait!.............anyhow you should know better as you were the one that heard all about what S used to do to me with his nightly calls and how messed up that was..........nope not gonna put up with this , especially not from you I love you man as a friend, a very good friend but that's it!

ok so what does one who has been single for a very, a very very, very long time do when they are feeling frisky?? any thoughts???.........
Aghhhhh!!!!
ok enough i'm going to go read my book (oh what an exciting life i lead)

friendship & South American Dictators

Went out tinight and got slightly pissed - on a single glass of wine (well it was a very fine Italian wine)

Met up with a friend during the day and just caught up on what's been going on - I found myself fantasising about them as they sat across from me in broad daylight. This would be ok if a) they weren't married- and so i would NEVER go there and b) they are my FRIEND - and so i would be never go there..........yet there i went...................hmmm was a very nice fantasy........damn

as we walked back to the station we kept bumping into each other (I can't walk in a straight line ever!!!) and found myself getting turned on by those brief moments we bounced off each other................VERY bad, very very bad

(Take into account what i had written earlier about infidelity and you will realise why i am a hypocrite even though i would not act on it, i guess it still makes me a hypocrite)...............not a good thought to end on...........................soooo

Let's not end just yet. Talking about Hypocrites what's with Hugo Chavez?? since when did a socialist reformer become synonymous with an egomaniac dictator??? What a freaking disappointment - I can't get over it well actually what else can you expect from someone on such a power trip.................still the disappointment is very real
night folks i'm nackered!

To Love or not to Love

Have you ever been in love?

What's it like? What's your experience been?
I fell in love about 7 years ago - it's complicated.

I am ready to move on at long last - I am ready,willing and able to move on with my life on all fronts - come on bring it on.

baby steps at first, then braver and braver still.

Although i fear that a part of me is still wounded, still missing in action, and i so long to find it. I will find it - I will!

A rant

So i was having dinner with the three blonds and all the talk was around the upcoming wedding and the stag/hen do's and i felt really out of place with all these girly girls.............i wanted to bash my head in with a fork...............and i couldn't drink as i was driving which made the whole meal that much more painful

the girl getting married is also having a hot & sweaty affair with this guy we used to work with....well i assume it's hot & sweaty otherwise why do this before your wedding right? what do i know about how women think! So i felt like a hypocrate pretending to be pleased for her and excitied when this is clearly a sham wedding from the get go

Also why is it that everywhere i turn recently there is someone having it off with someone else who is not their supposed partner? it really confirms this whole monogamy thing and makes the idea of ever taking the plunge or ever trusting anyone enough to even want to consider taking this huge step with, all the more unlikely.....................yet ahhh yes there is a yet.................

Yet i do not want to be this jaded hard (and yes sometimes lonely) individual for ever. I do want to believe that i will find someone who is worthy of my trust and love and i of theirs..............god it's enough to send me into a total panic just writing about it

have the gardeners coming tomorrow to take away all the uncontrollable weeds first thing tomorrow..............maybe i can watch them from my window as they sweat and haul the weeds away? at least then i will feel like i have accomplished something too ..............it will be exhausting just watching them

Sunburn.........ouch

What an idiot! I managed to get sunburnt in London for gods sake when i didn't burn in the Dead Sea! how pathetic
My hardy skin has gotten too used to these soft places

So i sat in the park for most of the day and people watched, it's quite funny there were these two winos sitting on the bench some distance away and they kept shouting out random words every so often and hurling abuse to anyone they didn't like the look of.............hmmm i would love to do that...........just be, say, do anything without worrying what people would think.............how very liberating, well I suppose they were drunks so it probably didn't feel very liberating for them.

I indulged myself in a moment of self pity as i lay on the grass on my own, surrounded by couples, families, friends, then realised what a waste in thought and effort that was and tried to dismiss it but then kept having these questions pop into my head "am i ever going to not be on my own?" "why is it that I've never had a normal relationship" " is it me?" and oh my god the thought kept coming at me, bam bam bam- I felt totally exhausted, promptly fell asleep on the grass and here i am all sunburnt!
there's a lesson to be had from all of this.............don't waste energy on what you can't control

ok better go and find something cool to put on my knee.............does salad dressing work on sunburns?